FINALLY!!! I started my blog. This is going to be short because its way late here now!
So last week was amazing, that's another blog. But Sunday was my birthday and I got a card from my teammates who were leaving that day, sad times. It was so great to get that card and cheez-its, which I am being very careful not to eat all. Someone wrote in the card that I was "a professional missionary" and that I was back in my element. I was first annoyed at this. I'm so hard on myself sometimes, well... all the time actually. I just wouldn't ever describe myself as a professional missionary. Half the time it's such a struggle and I'm fighting constantly with God. And that day, my birthday, I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't see this as a compliment. I realize now that it was.
I'm not sure if I'm in my element. I certainly feel comfortable here and at home. But then again I have lived here longer than any place after college. I don't know where I feel comfortable and I have no clue what God wants from me or for me. I guess that's what you call faith and trust. I have dreams of traveling and being a missionary in all these different countries. But, it seems like no matter where I go I'm always thinking about the next step. I'm always wanting more, I want to be where the "grass is greener." The grass is never green where I am. I am always a little dissapointed. I want excitement in my life and if I travel somewhere exotic then maybe my life will be exciting. I am never satisfied with where I am or the moment I'm in.
I was talking to my sister the other day. She wisely told me that I would never be satisfied with where I am and never truly happy unless I am truly happy with myself. And I'm going to start off my blog with being completely honest here. But I have always had this prideful hatred with myself. I find an unusual comfort in being unsatisfied with who I am. So, when I asked God on Monday what I was doing here He told me, "Love me, abide in me, and rest in my love. I want you to love Me with all your heart. I want you to be satisfied in Me and nothing/no one else. I want you to love the Creation I made which is you! I formed you and you are my beautiful daughter! I want you to let go of all the sin and pain you hold so tightly to. I want you to see that you are more than what you hold on to. You are my DAUGHTER! I love you SO much! I also want you to look at eyes of my people in Dublin. Love my people! See the pain that they hold on to as well. Hurt for them, hurt for the ones who don't know Me yet! Listen to my voice. I will guide you!"
I don't have the strength to let go. I don't have the strength to love God's people. I don't have the strength to love me. And I don't have the strength to love God. But God has the strength and all I can do is seek Him DAILY for strength!!! And it is indeed daily, sometimes minutely-- all the time!! I have to be willing to obey him even if that means letting go of things in my life that I hold on to so tightly but hinder me from loving and knowing God better. I'm a stubborn person, I get that from both parents!! And it's definitely going to be a fight with God, but God is more stubborn. When will I let go? Who knows, but that is something that I even have to ask the desire for.
I want the JOY that comes from loving God. Joy is found in hope. Joy is not necessarily happiness, but it's from knowing who God is and that He has everything under control. He has an amazing plan for me and loves me!
So much for this being short.... I'm not even sure if all of this made much sense for it being 2:30am here, I'm too tired to proofread. And honestly I don't really want to proofread because I second guess myself all the time! So here it is in the raw!
